urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo or intentionally misplaced lostincairo 2006-01-17T22:28:51Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:32194 2006-01-17T22:28:51Z 2006-01-17T22:28:51Z optimism is a funny thing....<br /><br />sometimes its all i need to get through....<br /><br />optimism for tomorrow, things will be better next month, a year from now ill be doing exactly what i want to be doing with my life.....<br /><br />yes, ive got plans....<br /><br />everyone has got a plan/dream....<br /><br />this time i have the feeling it really all will be for the best....<br /><br />it may all happen the way i want it to....<br /><br />in about six months, im going to be taking buisiness/accounting classes....<br /><br />morgan and i will be openeing our own cafe/music venue...<br /><br />were gonna look at some wharehouse lofts in frisco tomorrow....<br /><br />looking at moving in the next two/three months....<br /><br />combined, we have all the connections for it....we know bands, boookers, sound guys, the whole bit...<br /><br />her mom will be funding it, so we have the money to start out.....<br /><br />and were finally getting some work done on our band project we have going right now....<br /><br />just need to find a guitarist, and continue working on/making beats and what not....<br /><br />it will be nice having our own venue to play at as well....<br /><br />weve already started mapping all the details, just need to put it into motion.....<br /><br />ahhh optimism....i just pray it wont be the end of me......hopeful, but always waiting.....waiting urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:31788 2006-01-12T14:08:51Z 2006-01-12T14:08:51Z Im so fucked… my horoscope says to spend the night in, and decide what I want from life…if that was so fucking easy wouldn’t I have done it already?<br />How should I know what I want…and whos to say that I even trust what it is that I want anymore…ive always followed my “heart” or, “gut feeling” you could call it.<br />But now im seeing things in a different light….and im trying to….get a grip.<br />These jealousies are getting out of comtrol. I wont even tell someone when I feel the way I do, because half the time id like to think im rational enough to know that im just being ridiculous…or over-sensitive…whats my fucking problem??<br />I stopped the drugs….my depression and anxiety magiacally left me along with the poison from my veins I intentionally put there to get away from the things…things I was feeling….things I was trying to forget…things I thought I was rational enough to know were crazy, and un-realistic.<br />Ill never know what happened to the girl I used to be. Values, self importance, dignity. Whos to say those things are even worth having…whos to say I ever really had them in the first place?<br />Who knows…I certainly don’t. and Im starting to lose faith that I even really care all that much. Maybe im just used to it. And it is true, or at least ive found that when you learn not to expect anything from anyone, you never get disappointed.<br />Or at least you shouldn’t. my standards are so low, and I still get fucked. In some sense or another….<br />Yeah, I know everyones got a story, everyones got it worse. Everyone goes through this “phase” in life as so many like to categorize that.<br />“youre so young, why do you worry about such things?”<br />Maybe the jealousy comes from thinking too much. Thinking this much cant be healthy…it cant be a productive way of spending time, because if it was, id have a lot done by now….i might even know what it is “I want from life”….<br />What does it feel like to know who, and what, and how you want your life to happen….does it make you feel less alone? Does it comfort you? Does it fit like a pair of warm socks out of the dryer, all snug, and protective from the inevitable cold. What if I was never a person for wearing socks? What if I was raised white trash, and don’t even wear shoes half the time? What if I said so much of what I do is to get me closer to what I think would be a suited ending for someone such as myself…..although I have to say that ending is still somewhat blurry as well. I guess even with all the over-analysis, I still haven’t gotten that far ahead.<br />Although I have told my friends that ive made it a goal in life to od at least once in my life, and come back from it. That would be a trip. Maybe it will happen. Maybe ill be sure to make it happen, wouldn’t it be something to really appreciate this priceless life I posses and do nothing with. Maybe ill appreciate my health being perfect before putting holes in my brain, and doing lines till my nose bleeds rejecting the deliciously numbing white powder going up my nose. Maybe then id learn. And maybe if I od on coke, ill never want to do it again. Maybe. My friends joke that if im serious, I have to do it like a rockstar, over-doing it on heroin. Fuck it. Id say that’s the last hill to climb before tumbling down the other side, no longer able to stop myself from where im going next….and all the while secretly loving that I am no longer in control, and there for no longer have to take responsibility. How wonderfully selfish that would be. Im so fucked. I don’t think im going to read my horoscope anymore. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:31600 2006-01-11T01:32:54Z 2006-01-11T01:32:54Z and i said id always love you/<br />well i always have/<br />with warmth like a sunrise, it was only the beginning/<br />we had only just begun/<br />by sunset i was cold and alone sitting on a foreign hill waiting, wondering where you had gone....<br />and i tried to count the city lights as bright as stars reminding me of your eyes that only seemed to reflect something i saw in myself/<br />knowing now that it was only a lie/<br />our sunrise was never a beginning, but an end to nights that never lasted long enough.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:31374 2006-01-06T02:16:23Z 2006-01-06T02:16:23Z my thoughts couldnt be more sorted....<br />its as if every emotion is an annoying fly buzzing in my ear...it seems the harder i try to bat them away, more come, buzzing louder than the one before it.<br />youd think losing someone in your family would be easy when you didnt really grow up with one in the first place.<br />the death here may only be metaphorical...and yet i still feel as though it would be appropriate to wear black to mourne not only the loss of one of the only people i can say ive ever truly loved and cared for in any way, and also what may have been the last piece of my heart that still felt un-tainted. i almost feel as if this loss means starting allover. alone.<br /> at least before i knew i could call him....i knew i could talk to him....he was the closest thing to a father i had ever known, and after all was said and done, perhaps the resemblence was a little too close. the only difference being it took him 16 years instead of two to leave. my strength was knowing that he would always be there. my heart was knowing that if he could love me as his own daughter, that surely someone out there could love me the way i thought he always would...without manipulation, without heartache.<br /> i dont think it would be possible to ever again suffer a betrayal of such importance. ive learned to let everyone else go. ive learned to be ok with the family i never had, and the love i never received. i know im not as worthless and ugly as so many of my childhood memories ingrained into my subconscious.<br /> the sad thing is i only know that because he told me so. i only believed him because i had nothing else to believe in. i had no one else to trust. i thought i had a father, and a friend in life. but it seems as though i was wrong. he was no different than any other man in my life. he left.<br /> strange thing is....accepting that hes gone, i dont feel pain. just an empty pit in my stomach that refuses to leave, as stubborn as the flies buzzing in my ears. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:31020 2005-10-12T00:46:41Z 2005-10-12T00:46:41Z you thought i was your angel, the only one who could save you from your self inflicted hell/<br />baby im sorry, but youre a litte too late/<br />i lost my wings the day my love began to breed through your hate/<br />i never asked to be the reasons you gave yourself to live/<br />i cant the answers when i too have questions to be asked/<br />i wish you had asked before giving me the power to be the reason you smile/<br />why did you trust me enough to think that i could only ever want to make you happy?<br />baby how did you not see that ive become just as selfish as you?<br />i shouldnt have had to to be the one to tell you that the only thing you can truly have faith in is yourself/<br />why would you leave it up to me to explain why the people in this world cant help but tell half truths and bigger lies?<br />why must you follow whatever lead it is you think you saw in me/<br />had you looked a litlle closer maybe you wouldve understood...<br />that every smile you see me give is the only thing holding back all these tears of everything ive learned to lose in my short years that have already lasted too long/<br />maybe you wouldve seen all the ways that i no longer care about the person i see in the mirror/<br />self hate keeps these poisons down, and in some way i hope that the next time i sneeze, ill lose some of my fucked up brains allover the ground/<br />maybe the world would be a better place without people like me who spread addiction like disease, getting so wet it shows through my skin tight jeans/<br />why ahs my self destruction become your glamour?<br />im the girl i promised myself i would never become/<br />maybe you dont unserstand because im so good at making it look innocent fun/<br />baby girl if you were smart...you would run urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:30967 2005-10-12T00:23:13Z 2005-10-12T00:23:13Z is it weakness to let the inner demons consume?<br />or is it strength knowing that youre no exception because you have them too?<br />i may never know where it is that you run/<br />somehow it was better not knowing that this was all your sick idea of fun/<br />youve always known where to tear me apart/<br />i guess i never told you the pain was what i needed, its always been my favortie part of this morbid romance weve created/<br />you played my villanous hero with such violent grace, i couldnt help but shed just one single tear for all the ways you changed the face of all this loving hate, and all the times i wouldnt admit knowing that we would never share this love together/<br />im no better for knowing that youre the only one to blame for all the lies you tell yourself, and all the ways i know you secretly resent all this fucked-up fame/<br />i guess you just needed to know that your eyes are where your story is told/<br />baby i just wish id been better warned/<br />never did i think id miss the warmth from your side of the bed/<br />never did i think youd find all these ways into my head/<br />and baby im still no better for knowing that youll always have the same place in my heart/<br />your the glue in the middle, with only memories of you to keep me from falling apart/ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:30589 2005-10-12T00:08:10Z 2005-10-12T00:08:10Z as i sit here thinking of nothinga nd everything, i feel weak for not having the strengthto push you out of my head/<br />all this thinking never does me any good/<br />its never brought you any closer to me/<br />just a fucked-up girl with nothing to lose, praying, waiting for the day that you choose/<br />knowing where you leave your emotions could never make me love you any less/<br />blindly fighting for what i never told you i saw...<br />vague glimpses of what you were meant to be, and all the suffocating darkness in you that makes me feel unclean urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:30435 2005-10-03T10:09:37Z 2005-10-03T10:09:37Z i think this is the first time my own sanity didnt seem to come at such a painful price/<br />ever since that night...nothing has been the same/<br />i no longer see, feel, hear, smell, taste the world as everyone else/<br />somehow there seems to be so much power behind every small action encountered in my day/<br />i have so much faith in everything happening for a reason...<br />but even i have to sometimes wonder if thats my only sense of faith so that i can forgive those closest to me, those i loved, and myself for the crimes committed to my psycological health/<br />i am in every sense the typical drug addict, alcoholic, cigarette smoking, tattoo wanting "slutty" girl sleeping around looking for a daddy in the faces of those who either grow to love, or resent me in time for everything i represent, and everything i think i love/<br />i only know happiness that ends in such a very short while that i barely got the chance to enjoy it/<br />its a fact that the body/brain protects itself by forgetting pain, you know something bad from the past, like a broken bone hurt,but you cant recall the sensation correct? my mind also works in this way, but may be different from yours because i often forget the sensation of what it feels like to be happy/<br />every happiness ive had in my life for the short time that it lasted came as a result of heart wrenching circumstances, loneliness,sacrifice, and hate/<br />there really is such a very fragile, thin line between love and hate/<br />why does it feel so good to wallow in the darker side of yourself?<br />brooding, heartbroken, un-loved, forgotten, lost...<br />my escapes come with consequences, and i willingly risk ever having to suffer them/<br />is it selfish? morally wrong? offensive? disgusting? weak? pathetic? or perhaps one of the deadly seven sins would be more specific...<br /><br />or is it really the life that so many live, but would never talk about? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:29960 2005-10-02T06:44:58Z 2005-10-02T06:44:58Z sleep in fame is stuck in my head your the only thing keeping me sane...<br />in you i no longer hear the voices echoing through my skull<br />whispering lies of the wettest kind<br />i love the way you seep into my veins<br />i love the way you make me forget what it is to feel pain<br />mmm, so wonderfully numb urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:29792 2005-07-23T04:38:03Z 2005-07-23T04:38:03Z ....i dont want to start any blasphemous rumors, but i think that gods got a sick sense of humor, and when i die, i expect to find him laughing.....<br /><br /><br /><br />i cant get that fucking song out of my head! god damnit! at least its a good song i suppose....grrr! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:29445 2005-07-21T21:05:32Z 2005-07-21T21:05:32Z god help me...this boy will be the end of me.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:29324 2005-07-14T22:47:50Z 2005-07-14T22:47:50Z its happening again. im really gonna have to reach for it....im going to have to be patient....it wont be easy...but ive never wanted something more in my life...i wont give up urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:29077 2005-07-09T04:17:38Z 2005-07-09T04:17:38Z you cant see my scars/<br />theyre hidden like the stars behind city lights/ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:28916 2005-05-08T00:21:42Z 2005-05-08T00:21:42Z basic rundown of life since oakland......muhahahha<br /><br />-exclusively together, in love with clinton<br /><br />-got a job at centerfolds in san francisco on braodway...quit after two shifts...yes...i was naked...haha<br /><br />-working/training at imusicast<br /><br />-clinton cheats on me, i dump his indie/emo fuck ass (were still friends)<br /><br />-been spending a lot of time with dan...(for those of you who dont know, bass player for sleep in fame, but if were friends im sure youve heard plenty about him) haha<br /><br />-not really in the habit of eating anymore<br /><br />-smoking way to many cigarrettes<br /><br />-absolutely no money to speak of (next month will be better)<br /><br />-AND IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER IN MY FUCKING LIFE urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:28516 2005-04-08T18:35:33Z 2005-04-08T18:35:33Z the strokes ...im falling in love... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:28273 2005-04-06T05:51:03Z 2005-04-06T05:51:03Z bright eyes hehe im a happy girl.<br /><br />im trying out for the raiderettes this sunday, wish me luck<br /><br />Clinton is lovely, i like him way too much &lt;3<br /><br />whether or not i make the raiderettes, im moving to oakland, hopefully within the next month.<br /><br />for once everythings going so fucking well its almost hard to beleive. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:28085 2005-04-02T02:03:17Z 2005-04-02T02:03:17Z aim is never as important as your weapon of choice/<br />feel the sharp cold pain of the bittersweet escape from the metal against my temple/<br />is it wrong to miss you?<br />was it wrong to love you?<br />if it meant never seeing you again, i wouldnt have it in me to leave/<br />if there was any hope in me staying, id stay/<br />id stay/<br />id stay/<br />ill stay/<br />if time is what you need, only the clocks could set me free/<br />id wait/<br />im waiting for you/<br />take my tears as a gift i give to you/<br />i cant stop loving you/<br />its all i know to be true.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:27724 2005-03-30T09:08:53Z 2005-03-30T09:08:53Z ive come to so many conclusions in the past couple days...this is gonna be long...<br /><br />ive been shown a whole other world outside of davis, and im sad to be home. im trying out for the raiderettes in two weeks, and if all that goes according to plan, then for one thing itll be amazing enough to be a raiderette, but itll open all kinds of doors for me, and i can do the things i really want to be doing with my life. and if it does work out, ill be moving in with sunny full or part time.<br /><br />im sick of davis, and the people in it. i can count on one hand the number of people other than my family that i i know i can trust, and will always love unconditionally. these people know who they rae.<br /><br />im so disgusted with everyone and their fake smiles and cold hugs. it means nothing. <br /><br />im so sick of the people i want out of my life having a part of it. <br /><br />i hate that they always have way of bleeding into my life whether its through my brother, or my other friends. i hate that i cant just cut these people off. they always get through somehow. if i dont make raiderettes, i dont know what im going to do. i need to get away from here. davis and the people in it are poison. i want out of this shithole, and the away from the typical, superficial people in it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:27594 2005-03-30T08:28:42Z 2005-03-30T08:28:42Z i hope you really are happy. i know youre not. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:27364 2005-03-24T10:49:40Z 2005-03-24T10:49:40Z deftones i dont know why you suddenly act so strangely towards me.<br /><br />part of me wants to throw you against a wall and whisper all the things you used to mean to me.<br /><br />part of me wants to say that i never stopped thinking about you. and i dont think i ever will.<br /><br />part of me wants to tell you how much i desperatley crave what you never gave me.<br /><br />part of me thinks theres still hope.<br /><br />part of me wants to kiss you in such a way that youre heart stops beating, and you never forget.<br /><br />part of me wants to tell you how much i hate you. <br /><br />and part of me knows that i never could. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:27063 2005-03-21T07:19:49Z 2005-03-21T07:19:49Z death cab im tired of the confusion. i think im just....tired.<br /><br />right now, im working on getting my shit together, im trying out for the raiderettes in two weeks, so wish me luck with that :)<br /><br />im working on homework, keeping my room clean, keeping myself clean....ive been really tempted to do some things i shouldnt be....i wont let myself be so self-destructive anymore. im the only one here fucking myself over. not anybody else.<br /><br />im working on being more responsible for my life, and the choices im making.<br /><br />my friends have always been there for me. youve all helped me through so much.<br /><br />even when ive fucked you over, wrongfully accused, and been...well....a shitty friend. i didnt realize until the other day how wrapped up ive been in my own little world. i didnt realize what i selfish fuck ive become. ive become a lot of things i hate in others. and i never saw it. im sorry.<br /><br />just please know how much i love you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:26643 2005-03-15T08:20:47Z 2005-03-15T08:20:47Z brand new i am so fucking happy right now. i dont even know what brought it along.....i dont remeber the last time i felt this good. im so....i dunno. im ok. im in such a good place in my own head, and it feels amazing. as of right now, nobody can bring me down. no one can make me feel anything short of amazing. and its a good feeling to have. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:26506 2005-03-09T09:02:02Z 2005-03-09T09:02:02Z i think im finally happy...thats sounds so dramatic, and its been a long time coming, its not like ive been all fucked up in the head, but i have some weird feeling of releif. i feel...good. i feel happiness in some form, and its almost foreign to me. in the best kind of way. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:26153 2005-03-07T01:12:11Z 2005-03-07T01:12:11Z so. yes. where do i begin?? im wondering where ill be tomorrow, and the next day. ive changed so much in such a short time...im still searching...looking...but for what?<br /><br />my feelings are coming back for him....i wish so badly they wouldnt. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lostincairo:25858 2005-03-03T09:52:12Z 2005-03-03T09:52:12Z the cure am i what you see?<br />or am i what you saw?<br />i wish i understood/<br />i wish so badly that we could/<br />was it always this wrong?<br />has it ever been right?<br />you should know i never meant it/<br />you should think i tried to mend it/<br />calling your name in my sleep/<br />only waking to find that ive torn up my sheets/<br />have you ever loved?<br />have you known what its like?<br />too much/<br />too little/<br />always too late/<br />hold me one more time/<br />kiss me well befor eyou say goodbye/<br />they dont see you like i do/<br />you may never know the ways i cared/<br />maybe its for the best/<br />maybe better for me to think you were never any better than the rest/